Go and catch a falling star

Today I had to spend rather more time than I would have liked fighting down the urge to do something recklessly stupid. You know, like getting back in contact with Kris. Because nothing could possibly go horribly, destructively wrong there. Nope, not at all.

On the one hand, it's partially motivated by the optimistic little part of my brain that always says, "But maybe this time will be different!" The other hand, though, is that I'm jumping at shadows because damn it there are suddenly a lot of really tall guys who look sort of Kris-ish from the back around, and at least if I was in touch with him in a very vague sort of way I would know where not to go. Because although my resolution to walk away and do the barest minimum of looking back possible is reasonably strong, I'm pretty sure it would suffer serious damage (or possibly even total collapse) if I actually ran into him.

I kind of wish I didn't know that about myself, but there it is. He's still Kris, and we did have some good times, and I will always, always want to try to get back to those. The way things have been, I've been able to balance that against the knowledge that those good times amounted to maybe a year and a half altogether (at least on my end of things), taken out of the decade-ish that we've known each other, and we spent all the rest of that time bashing each other to bits. With him gone, I can get enough distance to look at it and decide that the good times aren't enough to balance out the horrible unhappiness we caused each other. Add him back in, and my judgement goes out the window.

Argh. See how awful that is? I mean, I know I tend to make decisions based more on emotion than on logic and I've pretty much come to terms with it, but the fact that my brain is cut out of the decision-making process entirely when dealing with Kris first-hand is just embarrassing. So this is my making-the-best-of-bad-choices shitty solution: to just keep on acting like nothing has changed. Not even popping in long enough to say "Hey, this whole pretending-the-other-doesn't-exist thing has been working out really well for me, let's keep it up. Thanks!"

I think that's the part I really feel the worst about. I think I owe him at least that much--5 minutes to say that when it was good, it was really good, but mostly it was really bad and maybe just walking away is the best possible choice all around. But I'm afraid that if I even type "hello," I won't be able to say the rest, because the irrational part of my mind that thinks this time everything will work out will take over instead.

It won't work. We've smashed that relationship, that affection and that trust, into a thousand pieces so many times that there's not enough of it left to put back together, and I don't think either of us can ever really forget that feeling. And even if we could, we're just not that well matched. We never really had a relationship as equals, and I'm pretty sure that the way I respond emotionally before I respond logically drove him out of his skull most of the time. God knows the way he almost always responded calmly and logically drove me out of mine.

Obviously, I have Lots Of Feelings about this. This entry is, in fact, already at least three paragraphs longer than I thought it would be, because I didn't realize how many Feelings I had until I actually sat down and started writing. And of course, all of this is just about my side of the equation. I haven't even thought about what I'll do if he tries to get in touch with me. Granted, I don't really think he will. Reaching out was pretty much always my job in our relationship. Either he's just not good at it, or he wasn't invested enough to bother, but either way I don't think temptation in that particular guise is going to rear its head. On that front, at least, I feel safe.

Ok, I'm think I've finally run out of Feelings for the moment. Having put it all out there at least helps me come to grips with the internal conflicts I've got going over this whole thing. (And oh, am I torn. I think I'm making the right decision, but it's not the decision I want to make. The decision I want to make is impossible, though, because we can never go back. We can only ever go forward.)

PS: Thanks for listening, whoever reads that whole thing. You rock.

I think I'm learning to let things pass through me and let them go without grasping. I suspect it's a discipline I'll be long in practicing, but I'm pleased to have touched at least the edge of it.

Dear Brain:

I HATE YOU SO MUCH. FOR REAL. Please see reasons below.

1) It is seriously ok for me to be happy with my life the way it is right now. You keep deciding to find little tiny things to get omgcrazy about. Those little tiny things? Not really all that important.

2) I have this paper to write, and you are on fucking vacation. Please get back here immediately so that my paper doesn't sound like it was written by a retarded ant with a hangover.

Musing on inequalities in interpersonal relationships.

They're still a bitch.

I really wish that "Don't Speak" by No Doubt would stop invading my life at regular intervals. It's not that it's bad song, just unfortunately memorable and applicable to some of my relationships.

So either I need to:
a) Go back in time an keep them from ever recording the song
b) Work harder to maintain important relationships (or in this case, encourage the friend in question to join in with the working harder.)
c) Stop caring so much, since a friend who isn't willing to work on maintaining a friendship clearly isn't as invested in it as you are.

One of these is funny, one of them is what I usually do (while feeling like I'm a pushy pest), and the third is the option I should probably try out. Because when you're being left behind by someone you care about, it sucks, but there's nothing you can do to change their mind. It's much more profitable to try changing your own instead.


Anyway, I'll be in the back yard building a time machine if you want me.

Exasperated with college applications, suddenly desperately unsure of myself in a situation that I was staring to feel ok about.

Possibly time for a walk in the sun and lovely weather, and then some time with the cats. The Fluffy Nutter should be ready to fall over and purr at somebody any time now, what with spending the whole day outside.

Everything will be all right, one way or the other.

It's so nice to be wanted. To have one person who I don't have to chase down for a conversation or company, who actively desires my company and invites it.

But this one person? He's nice, but he's not the one I would have chosen, if I had to pick just one out of my whole acquaintance.

An old friend once told me that it was easy to forget that I actually liked him. I am intimately acquainted with that feeling of late. It is very, very easy to feel as if you have no value when you are treated as if you have no value, or as if you are a curiosity or a temporary amusement at best.

Especially at a distance, actions speak volumes, and words hardly at all.

Note to Self:

You are, by nature, rather high strung and not really low maintenance at all. Accept this, and be glad that there are people in the world who don't mind too much.

Continuing tired and dissatisfied. Perhaps learning to settle was not such a good choice after all.

Ah well. Far too late to do anything about it now.

On a completely different note…

Sometimes things hurt even when you don't want them to, and goodness I wish this didn't. Can't shrug it off, and it looks to be a long time in passing, even though it doesn't intrude too strongly most of the time.

I might as well get used to it, because this is very clearly my lot and my place. It is just that there have been times when it has been much easier to be content with what I have.

But it still hurts, and I sit and smile and do my best to be a good, supportive friend, and it's not me. It's never me, and wouldn't you know, now I'm getting reminded from two sides.

/publicangst