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I think it's fair to say that 2023 is off to a bit of a rough start. On a personal note, at least--I frankly haven't had the energy to look up and around at the world at large, or even my more immediate surroundings. For all I know, things could be fine out there, although I suspect we're still more in the "hand basket" category of events.
That anxiety attack I posted about last time ended up lasting about 6 days? And even after the worst of it broke, I've been running right on the ragged edge of having another most of the time. It's exhausting. Everything that's not the emotional equivalent of pap triggers a fight-or-flight response. Work is probably the worst--support isn't exactly a relaxing job at the best of times, because the people who open cases are rarely doing it because everything is fine and wonderful in their world. And since this is a new product involving several new-to-me technologies, I feel All Idiot All The Time, arguably my least favorite feeling in the world. I know that at least some of the pressure I feel to excel is manufactured entirely internally. New people fuck up sometimes, that's just... part of being new. But I don't give myself the same pass I give others--I have to do it perfectly, the first time, do it fast, and make it look easy.
Good things the insurance is so good.
I found a therapist who specializes in anxiety (after getting ghosted my one and told by another that my anxiety, as I described it, was too severe for her level of experience), and I'll have my first real appointment this coming week. I'll also be on phone queue this coming week, so hopefully I won't just have a fucking heart attack on Monday before I can even have my first therapy appointment.
There's some other stuff going on, too, which I'm still not sure how to talk about, or if I even want to talk about it in a public entry. It's been A While since I worried about that, so it's kind of a wild feeling. I'm much more used to writing letters to the void than to myself. Some of it, I guess, is that I just feel like I've lost my... me-ness? over the past few years. Pandemic trauma catching up with me, maybe, but I've been feeling a lot lately that somehow I've lost touch with a lot of things that I loved, that were very important to me and how I thought about myself, and nothing else has come in to replace them.
That's a dreadful place to leave things, but I can't really think of a way to wrap this all up. No nice little thread to tie everything up in a tidy package, just... mess. Forgive me, void. I'll try to do better next time.
That anxiety attack I posted about last time ended up lasting about 6 days? And even after the worst of it broke, I've been running right on the ragged edge of having another most of the time. It's exhausting. Everything that's not the emotional equivalent of pap triggers a fight-or-flight response. Work is probably the worst--support isn't exactly a relaxing job at the best of times, because the people who open cases are rarely doing it because everything is fine and wonderful in their world. And since this is a new product involving several new-to-me technologies, I feel All Idiot All The Time, arguably my least favorite feeling in the world. I know that at least some of the pressure I feel to excel is manufactured entirely internally. New people fuck up sometimes, that's just... part of being new. But I don't give myself the same pass I give others--I have to do it perfectly, the first time, do it fast, and make it look easy.
Good things the insurance is so good.
I found a therapist who specializes in anxiety (after getting ghosted my one and told by another that my anxiety, as I described it, was too severe for her level of experience), and I'll have my first real appointment this coming week. I'll also be on phone queue this coming week, so hopefully I won't just have a fucking heart attack on Monday before I can even have my first therapy appointment.
There's some other stuff going on, too, which I'm still not sure how to talk about, or if I even want to talk about it in a public entry. It's been A While since I worried about that, so it's kind of a wild feeling. I'm much more used to writing letters to the void than to myself. Some of it, I guess, is that I just feel like I've lost my... me-ness? over the past few years. Pandemic trauma catching up with me, maybe, but I've been feeling a lot lately that somehow I've lost touch with a lot of things that I loved, that were very important to me and how I thought about myself, and nothing else has come in to replace them.
That's a dreadful place to leave things, but I can't really think of a way to wrap this all up. No nice little thread to tie everything up in a tidy package, just... mess. Forgive me, void. I'll try to do better next time.
