all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (Susan)
Today I had to spend rather more time than I would have liked fighting down the urge to do something recklessly stupid. You know, like getting back in contact with Kris. Because nothing could possibly go horribly, destructively wrong there. Nope, not at all.

On the one hand, it's partially motivated by the optimistic little part of my brain that always says, "But maybe this time will be different!" The other hand, though, is that I'm jumping at shadows because damn it there are suddenly a lot of really tall guys who look sort of Kris-ish from the back around, and at least if I was in touch with him in a very vague sort of way I would know where not to go. Because although my resolution to walk away and do the barest minimum of looking back possible is reasonably strong, I'm pretty sure it would suffer serious damage (or possibly even total collapse) if I actually ran into him.

I kind of wish I didn't know that about myself, but there it is. He's still Kris, and we did have some good times, and I will always, always want to try to get back to those. The way things have been, I've been able to balance that against the knowledge that those good times amounted to maybe a year and a half altogether (at least on my end of things), taken out of the decade-ish that we've known each other, and we spent all the rest of that time bashing each other to bits. With him gone, I can get enough distance to look at it and decide that the good times aren't enough to balance out the horrible unhappiness we caused each other. Add him back in, and my judgement goes out the window.

Argh. See how awful that is? I mean, I know I tend to make decisions based more on emotion than on logic and I've pretty much come to terms with it, but the fact that my brain is cut out of the decision-making process entirely when dealing with Kris first-hand is just embarrassing. So this is my making-the-best-of-bad-choices shitty solution: to just keep on acting like nothing has changed. Not even popping in long enough to say "Hey, this whole pretending-the-other-doesn't-exist thing has been working out really well for me, let's keep it up. Thanks!"

I think that's the part I really feel the worst about. I think I owe him at least that much--5 minutes to say that when it was good, it was really good, but mostly it was really bad and maybe just walking away is the best possible choice all around. But I'm afraid that if I even type "hello," I won't be able to say the rest, because the irrational part of my mind that thinks this time everything will work out will take over instead.

It won't work. We've smashed that relationship, that affection and that trust, into a thousand pieces so many times that there's not enough of it left to put back together, and I don't think either of us can ever really forget that feeling. And even if we could, we're just not that well matched. We never really had a relationship as equals, and I'm pretty sure that the way I respond emotionally before I respond logically drove him out of his skull most of the time. God knows the way he almost always responded calmly and logically drove me out of mine.

Obviously, I have Lots Of Feelings about this. This entry is, in fact, already at least three paragraphs longer than I thought it would be, because I didn't realize how many Feelings I had until I actually sat down and started writing. And of course, all of this is just about my side of the equation. I haven't even thought about what I'll do if he tries to get in touch with me. Granted, I don't really think he will. Reaching out was pretty much always my job in our relationship. Either he's just not good at it, or he wasn't invested enough to bother, but either way I don't think temptation in that particular guise is going to rear its head. On that front, at least, I feel safe.

Ok, I'm think I've finally run out of Feelings for the moment. Having put it all out there at least helps me come to grips with the internal conflicts I've got going over this whole thing. (And oh, am I torn. I think I'm making the right decision, but it's not the decision I want to make. The decision I want to make is impossible, though, because we can never go back. We can only ever go forward.)

PS: Thanks for listening, whoever reads that whole thing. You rock.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (going mad)
Ever just had one of those "fuck my life" weeks? 'Cause I definitely am. Besides this lovely little depressive episode that I only noticed when it decided to go up an order of magnitude in intensity, a late paper, and sleeping through three different alarms this morning and thus reaching my quota of times I can miss yoga without failing the class, I just found out that a close family friend had a stroke on Monday. He had to have brain surgery, and now he can't talk, but this is apparently not as bad as it could be, because his doctor says he should be either dead or paralyzed.

Fuck. My. Life. So hard. Everything can stop being shitty any time now. Any time at all.

And tomorrow I have to go ask my Methods professor for an extension on turning in the rough draft of my historiographical paper on the grounds that personal shit is severely screwing up my ability to concentrate. Or, y'know, do anything but lie in bed reading fanfic, because that's about the only thing that makes me feel any better right now. I do not have enough spoons* for any of this right now. I don't have enough to explain it to people, and I don't have enough to deal with it.

*Spoon Theory. Most people use the Spoon Theory for describing physical illness or disability that I've seen, but I definitely have only a limited number of mental spoons when I'm depressed. And the more stress or anxiety or guilt is attached to a task, the more spoons it takes to accomplish it. Asking my favorite professor to be my thesis advisor, for example, took like half of my available spoons because I spent so much energy freaking out about the idea that she might say no--even though the tiny rational part of my brain knew she wouldn't. So that day I really didn't get much else productive done, because I used the rest of my spoons doing my assigned readings for the next day.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (always a boom)
Casa Norris/Cottingham is just not having a good day today. This morning, we found out that one of the tests they did on my grandmother while she was at the hospital for her broken leg turned up a blood infection, so she's right back in the hospital again to get IV antibiotics. My mother will be spending the day in High Point with her for the third day out of the last five, and will have to drive home on 85 surrounded by crazy drunk people trying to kill her. My father went out to get on with the chores of the day and stirred up a yellowjacket nest that we'd missed during the Great Extermination Campaign.

Me? I'm just sitting around and worrying. Comparatively, not as bad as getting stung by yellowjackets or finding out your agéd mother has a blood infection with a broken leg on top, but it still sucks.
all_strange_wonders: (flaming bentley)
My 90 year old grandmother fell out of her bed and broke her femur just above her knee replacement this week. Usually, that's the sort of thing they want to do surgery on, but… she's 90 years old, and she only weighs 90 pounds or so, and she doesn't really walk anymore anyway. My mother and uncle talked to the doctor and decided that because of all that, it might actually be better to skip the surgery and splint the leg. Unfortunately, even with pain medication it's still bothering her considerably.

In addition, I am having creepy dreams about a stalker taking over my life, which is why I'm writing this at 5:15 in the morning. Argh.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (storm-bringer)
*sigh* And again with the finding out of things I'd rather not know.

Life is suffering. Desire leads to suffering.

This is what wanting something you can't have gets you.


Everything passes away, and all things change.
I wish I were less attached to sameness.
all_strange_wonders: (memory still bright)
My great uncle died this morning. He'd only been under hospice care for about a week.

I'll miss him terribly.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (storm-bringer)
Nightmares last night, of that persistent, sticky kind you fall right back into as soon as you go back to sleep. Haven't had them for a while, and last night's was particularly vicious. I've been awake for an hour and I'm still trying to shake the sense that what I dreamed was real.

It's all the worse because I was really starting to believe that my solution had actually worked even better than I'd hoped. It was meant to ease the interpersonal pressures in my waking life, and lo and behold--no nightmares. Experience would say that I should have expected even more. Rejection is a bitch, after all, even when you're expecting it.

I guess that feeling of being left behind that I've been having is the catalyst for them starting up again.

Ah well. It was nice while it lasted.
all_strange_wonders: (memory still bright)
Nana finally in an assisted care facility. Apparently this most recent (of at least half a dozen) hospital visits convinced my grandfather that he really can't take care of her at home, and he stayed convinced long enough to get her admitted. It's good news in that she'll have round-the-clock, qualified care, and they won't have to take her to the hospital to be sedated when she gets upset. It's also bad news, of course--she's still not improving. She may even be getting worse. She doesn't know where she is (or when she is, or both, we're not entirely sure) and her level of distress will almost certainly continue to necessitate sedation.

The whole family is worn down to a nub, and the news is never good.

It would be nice to have good news someday.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (hour of the wolf)
Slept badly (thank you: playful cats, sick father, own stupid brain). Grey cat has to go to the APS--nobody has room for him. We caught him this morning and my father is leaving now.

He'll be put to sleep. He's old, he's grumpy, nobody is going to want to adopt him. I hate that we can't help him, and that all the rescues and cat refuges are full, because all he really wants is somewhere warm to sleep and somebody to feed him.

Not shaping up to be a good day here, is what I'm saying.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (storm-bringer)
On a completely different note…

Sometimes things hurt even when you don't want them to, and goodness I wish this didn't. Can't shrug it off, and it looks to be a long time in passing, even though it doesn't intrude too strongly most of the time.

I might as well get used to it, because this is very clearly my lot and my place. It is just that there have been times when it has been much easier to be content with what I have.

But it still hurts, and I sit and smile and do my best to be a good, supportive friend, and it's not me. It's never me, and wouldn't you know, now I'm getting reminded from two sides.

/publicangst
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (Default)
Surgery tonight. My grandfather and aunt made an executive decision. Apparently my grandmother is continuing to degrade and can no longer make the decision for herself.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (hour of the wolf)
I am ridiculously tired. I didn't sleep well last night. The looming threat of loss has that effect on me. Don't know what's going on up north right now… the end result yesterday was that my grandmother was too upset to stay and talk to the neurologist, so they were going to have to go back.

I really, really hope she'll have the surgery. I know that her odds aren't good, given her age and her general condition right now, but they're still better than if she doesn't have surgery at all.

I was dreadfully irritable all day long. I didn't want to be around people, so of course today was my longest day of class, and of course lab required group work, and OF COURSE the guy I had to work with was a total moron who should drop the class. I probably could have gotten through all the slides by myself faster than I did working with him. Look, draw, label. It's just not that freaking hard.


When I was young, we used to drive up to Melvin and stay for a week or two, and Aunt Joyce would come down from Grand Rapids with Adam, and we would all be together. It was more like a dream of childhood than the real thing--we would light bonfires and swim, buy candy at the general store, make cookies, just run wild all together. And Nana was there for all of it, having just as much fun as any of us kids. She was the center of my father's side of the family. I wish we could all get together again now, and make things right, but you can never go back.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (hour of the wolf)
Well, shit.

I really can't come up with a more heartfelt sentiment for what I'm feeling right now. My paternal grandmother is in bad shape. Three days of testing have determined that she has fluid buildup in her brain. If she doesn't have surgery to correct it, she'll die. If she does have surgery to correct it, it's only probable that she'll die. She hates doctors. It took the combined force of her children and grandchildren to convince her to get a pacemaker.

Don't know what's going to happen next, but I suspect that at some point it will probably involve going to Michigan on short notice. Might as well just keep a bag and some clothes ready.

I hate this.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (tired of smiling)
Ugh. What a day. Just got back from two hours at the emergency vet with Thriii because… well, it's a long, gross story involving me and cleaning up a lot of cat shit. She's fine. Let's leave it at that.
Anyway, because of that lovely little adventure this evening, I just got home, and I haven't had any dinner yet. And there's still more shit to clean up before I can take a shower and have dinner. In that order. With lots of soap. I'm not actually dirty, it's just one of my little quirks--I shudder to think what changing diapers will be like.

The good news is that my most recent BPAL order is shipping earlier than I expected. This has brightened my evening somewhat, although not as much as a dinner of scrambled eggs and a chocolate peppermintini (my mother bought this stuff. seriously.) while watching Gaudy Night for the 100,000th time will. After a long, hot, shower with lots and lots of soap. Did I mention lots of soap? And hot water?

And maybe a cup of tea to finish off the night.

Argh.

Well, tomorrow I'll go to the farmer's market and buy lovely beeswax candles and honey. And probably blueberry bread and chocolates from Dolly Mama, if we're going for honesty here.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (storm-bringer)
My maternal great-uncle's cancer has come back. The chain from my great aunt to my mother to me is one of trying to soften the blow at every step, so I have no idea how bad it might be. I don't even know where they found cancer this time, although we do know that it has spread. All I know is that he's been in the hospital for the past few days, came home today with lots of pain meds, and they're going to try radiation this time.

Good thoughts, please. This is hard news for our family, especially as we begin to approach the season of my grandfather's death.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (a nice doomsday)
Just a quick update-
My maternal grandmother fell twice last week- once on Tuesday, and then again on Saturday. My mother went and spent all of Sunday and Monday with her trying to get her all sorted out- getting her to the doctor, getting her into the skilled nursing section of her retirement community, and working on getting her apartment and laundry clean, since she hadn't been able to keep up with it herself very well after the first fall. She went back this morning to help some more and is once again staying the night. My grandmother is 87 years old, and still trying to adjust to life without my grandfather (as it was my maternal grandfather who died on Christmas Eve), and rather frail. Nothing is broken insofar as x-rays can tell, but she's in a lot of pain and can't really take care of herself very well right now. Of course, we can't really tell how this will go, but we're hopeful that she'll be able to heal up now that she's in the skilled nursing section.
My mother is having a very hard time right now. It's still very fresh in all our minds that when Papaw died, it started out with something we thought he'd soon get over. Having this come up so soon is really making her very anxious. My grandmother is frail, and while she's not exactly suffering from dementia, she's not quite as sharp or focused as she used to be, and she no longer has my grandfather around to look after her.
*sigh*
Basically, that's all rotten and worrisome. And my aunt has had to put off her mastectomy and reconstructive surgery until they can clear up some weird test results (that would be my 11 year old cousin's mother), and my uncle Charlie is splitting his time between them and Mamaw.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (Default)
Oh, Bea Arthur. Never mind Golden Girls, hearing you in Mame made you my most unexpected favorite actress.
On the bright side, you and Estelle Getty will always live on Lifetime.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (open spaces)
We found Zeke dead in the yard this evening at about 7 o'clock. He hadn't been attacked or hit by a car or anything, as far as we can tell. He hadn't been feeling well in the past day or so, but he seemed to be on the mend- we may never know what killed him. But he had a good, happy last day, and whatever happened seems to have happened quickly. He was our sweet boy and we'll miss him terribly, but we're glad we got to make his life a wonderful one.

all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (Default)
Ah, my family… we are all of us so very much alike in some ways. We have all been so busy with what needs to be done next, with what needs to be done to keep life moving on, that none of us can find our tears just yet.

It has given me nightmares, of course, until I'm nearly sick with exhaustion and grief. And then I tumble into bed, bone-tired, and cannot sleep.

This too shall pass, in time. Tomorrow will follow on tomorrow, there will be things to attend to, and life will go on.

I am not strong- I am only frightened.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (Default)
My grandfather died a little before 7 this evening. I would appreciate not receiving too many condolences here, or indeed in person or on the phone. A good hug will do me as much good (or more) next time I see you.

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