all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (Susan)
Today I had to spend rather more time than I would have liked fighting down the urge to do something recklessly stupid. You know, like getting back in contact with Kris. Because nothing could possibly go horribly, destructively wrong there. Nope, not at all.

On the one hand, it's partially motivated by the optimistic little part of my brain that always says, "But maybe this time will be different!" The other hand, though, is that I'm jumping at shadows because damn it there are suddenly a lot of really tall guys who look sort of Kris-ish from the back around, and at least if I was in touch with him in a very vague sort of way I would know where not to go. Because although my resolution to walk away and do the barest minimum of looking back possible is reasonably strong, I'm pretty sure it would suffer serious damage (or possibly even total collapse) if I actually ran into him.

I kind of wish I didn't know that about myself, but there it is. He's still Kris, and we did have some good times, and I will always, always want to try to get back to those. The way things have been, I've been able to balance that against the knowledge that those good times amounted to maybe a year and a half altogether (at least on my end of things), taken out of the decade-ish that we've known each other, and we spent all the rest of that time bashing each other to bits. With him gone, I can get enough distance to look at it and decide that the good times aren't enough to balance out the horrible unhappiness we caused each other. Add him back in, and my judgement goes out the window.

Argh. See how awful that is? I mean, I know I tend to make decisions based more on emotion than on logic and I've pretty much come to terms with it, but the fact that my brain is cut out of the decision-making process entirely when dealing with Kris first-hand is just embarrassing. So this is my making-the-best-of-bad-choices shitty solution: to just keep on acting like nothing has changed. Not even popping in long enough to say "Hey, this whole pretending-the-other-doesn't-exist thing has been working out really well for me, let's keep it up. Thanks!"

I think that's the part I really feel the worst about. I think I owe him at least that much--5 minutes to say that when it was good, it was really good, but mostly it was really bad and maybe just walking away is the best possible choice all around. But I'm afraid that if I even type "hello," I won't be able to say the rest, because the irrational part of my mind that thinks this time everything will work out will take over instead.

It won't work. We've smashed that relationship, that affection and that trust, into a thousand pieces so many times that there's not enough of it left to put back together, and I don't think either of us can ever really forget that feeling. And even if we could, we're just not that well matched. We never really had a relationship as equals, and I'm pretty sure that the way I respond emotionally before I respond logically drove him out of his skull most of the time. God knows the way he almost always responded calmly and logically drove me out of mine.

Obviously, I have Lots Of Feelings about this. This entry is, in fact, already at least three paragraphs longer than I thought it would be, because I didn't realize how many Feelings I had until I actually sat down and started writing. And of course, all of this is just about my side of the equation. I haven't even thought about what I'll do if he tries to get in touch with me. Granted, I don't really think he will. Reaching out was pretty much always my job in our relationship. Either he's just not good at it, or he wasn't invested enough to bother, but either way I don't think temptation in that particular guise is going to rear its head. On that front, at least, I feel safe.

Ok, I'm think I've finally run out of Feelings for the moment. Having put it all out there at least helps me come to grips with the internal conflicts I've got going over this whole thing. (And oh, am I torn. I think I'm making the right decision, but it's not the decision I want to make. The decision I want to make is impossible, though, because we can never go back. We can only ever go forward.)

PS: Thanks for listening, whoever reads that whole thing. You rock.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (you and me)
It seems like I can always find a Rumi quote that fits.

"A night full of talking that hurts,
my worst held-back secrets.
Everything has to do with loving and not loving.
This night will pass.
Then we have work to do."
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (roses)
I think I'm learning to let things pass through me and let them go without grasping. I suspect it's a discipline I'll be long in practicing, but I'm pleased to have touched at least the edge of it.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (roses)
Practicing my ETC monologue (next Friday and Saturday night at 10 or 10:30, somewhere! Why yes, we are very definite). It's about wanting something—someone—you can't have.

Why no, I can't relate to that at all. I certainly did not write my own monologue about a Very Similar Subject, although from a somewhat different angle.

Ah, my life. The more things change…
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (terrible danger)
Dear Brain:

I HATE YOU SO MUCH. FOR REAL. Please see reasons below.

1) It is seriously ok for me to be happy with my life the way it is right now. You keep deciding to find little tiny things to get omgcrazy about. Those little tiny things? Not really all that important.

2) I have this paper to write, and you are on fucking vacation. Please get back here immediately so that my paper doesn't sound like it was written by a retarded ant with a hangover.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (storm-bringer)
I just finished reading a chapter-by-chapter review of Eclipse that basically came to this conclusion:

"This is the worst thing I have ever put in my brain."

And I kind of agree, but I also think a lot of other works of fiction for young adults wouldn't stand up to the kind of scrutiny the Twilight "Saga" gets. There's so much fluff out there that's really only different because it didn't get as immensely popular. I, personally, have read and enjoyed books at least as fluffy and uneven and downright bad as Twilight, and just as full of heteronormative codependence and emotional abuse.


Of course, I didn't model my own ideal relationships on th--


Well, shit. We really are all screwed.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (storm-bringer)
Musing on inequalities in interpersonal relationships.

They're still a bitch.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (can you smell chips?)
There are some anniversaries you don't really mark exactly--little things that end up changing your life. This was definitely one of them,

I know it was summer, and hot and humid, and I was miserable being outdoors, alone, and out of place. To add insult to injury, I was 13. Beyond that, I couldn't give you a month or day. I can only assure you that I, a relative unbeliever and firm devotee of air-conditioning, believed that the last place on Earth I wanted to be was at a Youth Group cookout.

Boy, was I ever wrong.

I can tell you that a giant came from out of nowhere, sat down, and started talking to me, and that I firmly believe my life since then has gone differently than it would have otherwise. At the time I was hideously embarrassed and didn't know what to do with myself, which I must admit has been something of a common theme over the years. Besides that, I can't really remember much. You would have to ask him what we talked about, or why he came over in the first place. I'm sure I used to know, but time and handling have long ago worn away the details.

I can tell you that it was a good summer, despite the heat, and that I looked forward to Youth Group for entirely secular reasons. I was happy. I was learning just how much it was possible to like and love someone who was almost a total stranger, someone completely unrelated to me by family ties. I was forming the relationship that, in its way, provided the basis for all the friends I now think of as an extended, informal family--people you have to love even when you can't stand them.

Not all of those relationships have gone through quite so many strange permutations as that first one has for me, of course. If they had, I'd be lucky to have any friends left at all.

Nothing good lasts forever, of course, and some of the following years were miserable, terrible, awful, no good years between us. Oddly enough, I can't remember a lot of the details there, despite my dreadful self-involvement. With a few notable exceptions (like an abandonment complex you could house a pretty good-sized bureaucracy in), those days have passed away into the obscurity of time, and the related recriminations with them.

On the other hand, some of those years were good. I learned that I like to make my friends laugh, that I can be kind without being weak, and that what I love more than anything is really awful jokes and the men who tell them. I don't know what he remembers about the good times, but I bet we can agree on which they were.

The past couple of years (or is it three? so easy to lose track) have been, to my mind, almost unalloyed good. I don't know what to say about that except thank you, because I'm sure that I've only gotten more difficult, not less, since that first muggy summer evening.

This summer, just as miserably sticky and mosquito-infested as that one I remember, I'm 23. I don't know what happens next. I don't know it will be like when I'm 33, looking back. I don't know if we'll be close or speaking or just two people who drifted apart long ago. I do know that no matter what happens or how complicated the relationship, family is family, and I know that I am damn hard to get rid of.

I do know that I am deeply, humblingly grateful for all the years between then and now, for the friendship of a man who has so much influenced who and what I am. I would not trade a minute of it for something easier.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (Default)
I really wish that "Don't Speak" by No Doubt would stop invading my life at regular intervals. It's not that it's bad song, just unfortunately memorable and applicable to some of my relationships.

So either I need to:
a) Go back in time an keep them from ever recording the song
b) Work harder to maintain important relationships (or in this case, encourage the friend in question to join in with the working harder.)
c) Stop caring so much, since a friend who isn't willing to work on maintaining a friendship clearly isn't as invested in it as you are.

One of these is funny, one of them is what I usually do (while feeling like I'm a pushy pest), and the third is the option I should probably try out. Because when you're being left behind by someone you care about, it sucks, but there's nothing you can do to change their mind. It's much more profitable to try changing your own instead.


Anyway, I'll be in the back yard building a time machine if you want me.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (you and me)
It is possible that I depend on sticky notes to an unhealthy degree. I only have about… 500 sticky notes floating around my room, bookbag, and car. Some of them are directions, some of them are assignments or appointments, some of them are just something in my head that I thought sounded good.

But they're everywhere.

On the other hand, I tend to get my assignments in on time and remember to go to my appointments now, so maybe it's ok.

In other news, I have a new musical love--Nick Drake--and it is only unfortunate that he has been dead for about the past 35 years. By all reports a vastly unhappy man, but he wrote some lovely music. Have only heard his last record so far, as I want to save the other two up for a bit. Anyway, Nick Drake. Go listen.

Feeling a little sad today, so it's probably a good thing I'm going out to a movie with friends in a couple of hours. This too shall pass/all things end.

Sometimes I wish my life had a happier mantra, but this is the one I know to be true. Be it good or bad, everything passes away and all things come to an end. I have been trying, recently, not to grasp and hold on to things so desperately, because I have come to realize that it only makes things worse.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (Default)
Exasperated with college applications, suddenly desperately unsure of myself in a situation that I was staring to feel ok about.

Possibly time for a walk in the sun and lovely weather, and then some time with the cats. The Fluffy Nutter should be ready to fall over and purr at somebody any time now, what with spending the whole day outside.

Everything will be all right, one way or the other.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (everything connected)
And then there was silence.

The thing about waiting is this--when something is completely out of your hands, it's kind of freeing. It's not that it isn't also sort of terrifying and nerve-wracking, but there is a sort of serenity in knowing that the next move is someone else's and the only thing you can really do is wait. As given to fretting as I am, I like that little voice which speaks and says:

"Shh. There is nothing to be done. Be still. Wait. See what happens."
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (everything connected)
It's so nice to be wanted. To have one person who I don't have to chase down for a conversation or company, who actively desires my company and invites it.

But this one person? He's nice, but he's not the one I would have chosen, if I had to pick just one out of my whole acquaintance.

An old friend once told me that it was easy to forget that I actually liked him. I am intimately acquainted with that feeling of late. It is very, very easy to feel as if you have no value when you are treated as if you have no value, or as if you are a curiosity or a temporary amusement at best.

Especially at a distance, actions speak volumes, and words hardly at all.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (Default)
Another wakeful night. Starting to get a handle on the cause, not liking it. Will have to consider what to do about it.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (satisfying delusions)
Note to Self:

You are, by nature, rather high strung and not really low maintenance at all. Accept this, and be glad that there are people in the world who don't mind too much.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (paying off karma)
Sometimes I think that the only way to maintain one's equilibrium (and friendly relationship with the opposite sex) is to remind oneself of the most basic rule of gender relations:

Men are idiots.

I live in hope that constantly reminding myself of this will keep me from going absolutely apeshit, especially since I tend to do it to someone who is NOT the guy who did the thing that pissed me off.

Of course, I live in hope of a lot of things, and it doesn't seem to be doing any good, so it's possible that I should adopt some new course of action. Until then, I'll just keep busy and try really hard to only tell off the guys who deserve it, and even to not go ballistic on them.


I feel like I need some kind of icon for throwing my hands up in the air and muttering "Men!". This one will have to do instead.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (storm-bringer)
Continuing tired and dissatisfied. Perhaps learning to settle was not such a good choice after all.

Ah well. Far too late to do anything about it now.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (a nice doomsday)
Tomorrow's make-up biology lab is going to include Exciting Adventures in Tapeworm Anatomy. Tomorrow's biology lecture will be Even More of the Movie About Parasites.

It is entirely possible that I will basically opt to eat nothing until dinner.

In other news, I'm… ok. I'm not happy, but I'm not terribly unhappy. I'm just waiting for this to go away and trying to determine which course of action is the best for the protection of my little bit of sanity. That's not saying I'll take it once I figure it out, of course--I have always been singularly bad at making the right choice--but at least then I might have some guide for charting a course for moderation. The top has stopped spinning, so now I have to figure out what to do until I can get it going again.
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (storm-bringer)
On a completely different note…

Sometimes things hurt even when you don't want them to, and goodness I wish this didn't. Can't shrug it off, and it looks to be a long time in passing, even though it doesn't intrude too strongly most of the time.

I might as well get used to it, because this is very clearly my lot and my place. It is just that there have been times when it has been much easier to be content with what I have.

But it still hurts, and I sit and smile and do my best to be a good, supportive friend, and it's not me. It's never me, and wouldn't you know, now I'm getting reminded from two sides.

/publicangst
all_strange_wonders: An illustration of Nita from the Young Wizards story "Uptown Local". (so happy together)
Men.

I do not understand them. In fact, the men I am most intimately acquainted with are the ones I understand least. Could somebody please explain that to me? I mean, I love them anyway (how could I not? they're wonderful people), but I don't get them. Sometimes I feel like things would be much easier if I could just peer inside their heads and see what they're thinking. Or maybe if they came with a translator.

In other news, still single, since apparently these days I attract exactly the wrong sort of guy for my tastes. That's another thing I'd like explained, please. Why do all these clearly inferior specimens persist in thinking that I might sleep with them? Because frankly, I don't think I'll ever be that desperate, and if I ever am, I hope you all will do the kind thing and put me out of my misery.

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